Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life, Jason Goodwin [ink book reader .txt] 📗

business. If wehave unresolved issues around sexual abuse, we may find ourselvesattracted to abusers or other survivors of abuse.

Sometimes we end up moving from one unhealthyrelationship to the next. Is this our fault? Is it something we cancontrol, or are there just too many “screwed-up people” in thisworld?

What will happen if we get into arelationship with an abuser or another survivor of abuse? Most ofus have experienced a string of failed relationships. It’s as if weare doomed to repeating the same mistake over and over again untilwe have learned the lesson.

The way to reverse this pattern is two-fold.First, we need to become more cautious about our choice ofpartners. We need to allow more time to pass before we commit to arelationship. We need to be willing to ask for other people’sopinions about our partner if we suspect that we are not seeingthem clearly.

And second, we need to heal our sexual abuseissues. As we become healthier ourselves, we will attract healthierpartners.

We need to be realistic. There are thingsabout every partner that will irritate us. Our goal is to findpartners who are willing to work on their issues. Partners who willnot abandon hope at the first sign of trouble. We are more likelyto find partners with integrity when we give the courtship processmore time.

When we are ready to commit to arelationship, we need to ask ourselves, “Can I live with his/herquirks? Can I accept this person as he/she is right now?” A partnermay have great potential, but you can’t marry potential. You canonly marry another human being. Most of us don’t change that muchor that quickly.

Some of us try to turn our partners into aproject, which is both disrespectful and unrealistic. If there arethings about our partner that we simply can’t live with, we need toresolve those issues before committing to a relationship.

By working on ourselves and becoming morecautious about the partners we choose, we start to move in theright direction. We cannot control whether we will ever find oursoul-mate. That is not for us to know. But as we work to healourselves, all of our relationships will become more loving.

Exercise 27-1

Relationship Errors

-Try to identify which relationship errorsyou have made in the past, and how you can correct those mistakesin the future.

1. Unrealistic Expectations – Wanting apartner to be perfect often comes from feeling vulnerable or needyourselves. Instead of meeting our own needs and working to improveour self-esteem, we want prince or princess charming to sweep usoff our feet. Getting into a relationship is not a solution for ourpersonal issues.

2. Fixing Loneliness – The best way toaddress feelings of loneliness is to learn to love ourselves. Someof us feel lonely because we can’t enjoy our own company. On theother hand, if we tend to isolate or spend too much time alone, wemay need to reach out and take a risk. We may need to go out with agroup of friends or start dating again. We may need to get a pet.We meet new people when we get involved in hobbies and recreationalactivities or go to church.

3. Fear Of Abandonment – If we find ourselvesclinging to a partner or wanting them to be there for us all thetime, it is because we are afraid of abandonment. This is an innerchild issue. Our inner child may have felt abandoned in the past,and may still be afraid. We need to work with our inner child tohelp him/her feel safe and secure without always depending on apartner.

4. Not Deserving Love – When we believe thatwe don’t deserve to be loved, we often choose partners who areincapable of giving us the love we need. We must come to therealization that we are worthy. We must be willing to leavepartners who cannot give us the love we deserve.

5. Losing Faith – After a string of failedrelationships, we may start to believe that we are cursed. We maydecide that we should settle for less. Lowering our standards isnot the solution. We need to continue striving for healthy andfulfilling relationships.

6. Blaming The Other Person – Most of us havea hard time examining our own faults when a relationship ends. Weblame our partner for everything that went wrong. Sometimes we havedifficulty taking an honest look at the way our behaviorcontributed to the break-up. Were we dishonest in some way? Were weunwilling to work on our own problems or issues? Did we feel likewe always had to be right? Were we incapable of compromise? Whatpatterns do we keep repeating in our relationships? What is thereason we were attracted to our ex-husband/wife orboyfriend/girlfriend in the first place?

Personal JournalEntries

Entry #1: Attracting Survivors of Abuse

I just realized that I still have problemswith relationships. I am still attracted to survivors of sexualabuse. I haven’t finished healing my own issues, so how can Iexpect to attract a partner that would be good for me?

The answer is, “I can’t!”

I have to heal myself before I can attractand be attracted to partners who would be good for me. Right now, Iam still attracted to partners with a lot of issues.

Personal JournalEntries

Entry #2: Relationship Affirmations

1. I forgive myself for having issues inrelationships.

2. I ask God to help me heal theseissues.

3. I give love freely in all of myrelationships.

4. I love myself freely when I’m in arelationship.

5. I deserve good relationships.

6. I am ready to work through my issues.

7. People love me just the way I am.

8. I am ready to build a healthyrelationship.

Entry #3: What I Want In a Relationship

1. We are trustworthy.

2. We are supportive of each other.

3. We have a spiritual connection.

4. We are intelligent.

6. We are idealistic and want the best foreveryone.

7. We have big hearts and show our love forone another by behaving in a loving manner.

8. We are willing to work through our issuesand stay together.

9. Our relationship is meant to be.

Chapter 28 –Respect in Relationships

“To respect others is always an option, to disrespectis always a mistake.”

-Jason Goodwin

Respect happens in relationships when wehonor one another, respect each other’s boundaries, and treat eachother in the way