Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life, Jason Goodwin [ink book reader .txt] 📗

we want to be treated. Respect is an essentialcomponent of a good relationship.

To respect others is always an option, todisrespect is always a mistake.

The most obvious measure of a person’s moraldevelopment is their actions. How do people behave when they areexperiencing hard times, feeling powerless, or difficult things arehappening in their lives?

A less morally developed person disrespectsothers regardless of the way they are treated in return. Ourperpetrators fall into this category. They abused us. We may havebegged them to stop. We may have tried to please them sexually orcomply with their wishes, hoping they would leave us alone or stophurting us.

Someone at a moderate level of moraldevelopment respects others only when they receive it in return.This is the kind of mutual, two-way respect most of us expect fromour relationships.

People at the highest level of moraldevelopment respect others, even when they do not receive it inreturn. Great figures in history who exhibited exceptionalcharacter include Jesus Christ, Mahatma Gandhi, and Martin LutherKing Jr.

It’s important to recognize that these menwere not afraid of confrontation. Gandhi organized peacefulprotests that resulted in the end of British rule in India. MartinLuther King organized peace marches that put pressure on congressto sign the Civil Rights Act. This landmark piece of legislationhelped move our country in the direction of ending racialdiscrimination. Jesus defied the rulers of his day and questionedthe morality of the Pharisees. People of exceptional characteroften inspire us to greater heights.

The three levels of moral developmentcorrespond with three different types of relationships. The firstis a broken relationship. These relationships are characterized bymutual disrespect. In a broken relationship, both partnerscriticize and abuse one-another. Broken relationships often end indivorce, prolonged legal battles, or even violence.

The second is a one-sided relationship. Inone-sided relationships, one partner offers respect, encouragement,and support to the other, but receives only criticism and abuse inreturn. People will only stay in a one-sided relationship for aslong as they are willing to tolerate their partner’s cruelty.

The third is a balanced relationship.Balanced relationships tend to last, because they are built on asolid foundation of mutual respect.

Less morally developed people often fail tolove others in a genuine way. The only time they give respect iswhen they want something. Their public life as a pastor, lawyer,doctor, or politician is the show they put on to gain publicapproval. But behind closed doors, they may be very angry orabusive.

Less morally developed people may pretend tobe the kind of person you want them to be. One of my clients toldme, “The first six months of a relationship is all an act. Youdon’t usually find out who someone is until after that.”

Less morally developed people put on an actfor personal gain. In contrast, a person who loves others genuinelywants to give of themselves. They aim to improve the health,happiness, and welfare of another human being.

There are ways to determine whether apartner’s love is genuine. Do they continue to love others freely,even when they have nothing to gain? Do they become increasinglydisrespectful over time? Do they often behave selfishly orcriticize others?

It’s important to be cautious about howquickly we give our trust in a relationship. We need to move slowlyand carefully. We need to really watch people and get to know themfirst before jumping into a potentially dangerous situation with anacquaintance, friend, or lover.

When we find partners who continue to lovefreely, even when they have nothing to gain, we have probably foundsomeone we can trust.

Respectful people are capable of compromise.They don’t always have to get their way. Someone who desperatelyholds on to what he/she wants will eventually have to lie, cheat,or steal to get it.

Healthy relationships are not about winning.Winning or losing is only important when we are playing games, andrelationships are not a game. They are about growing together andsupporting one another through the good times and the bad.

The truth is that we can’t always get what wewant. Sometimes we have to delay or even sacrifice things we wantin favor of mutual goals.

How can we identify people who havedifficulty letting go? One sign is frequent arguing. If someone hasto be right all the time, or they are willing to treat others in acruel or demeaning way, they probably have a hard time lettinggo.

Do they obsess about the way the house iskept? Do they pick at you about your mannerisms or characteristics?Do they frequently try to control or manipulate you? Do they oftenget jealous or hostile? Do they try to keep you away from healthyfamily and friends?

Controlling partners can become dangerous.They need to have things their way and may be unwilling to respectour choices. They will manipulate us, criticize us, or abuse uswhen we disagree with them.

Sometimes controllers can learn how to letgo. They may come to realize when they are being too controllingand decide to share power equally in their relationships. Othersare so obsessed, so manipulative, and so blind to what they aredoing that they will never stop trying to control everyone andeverything around them. We need to remember that it is not withinour power to change someone else.

Abusive people criticize us or treat uspoorly in an attempt to break down our self-esteem. One way toevaluate our relationships is to ask, “Do I usually feel better orworse about myself after spending time with him/her?” The answer tothis question may help us determine whether our partner is usuallysupportive or usually abusive.

Abusive people say or imply that we’re notgood enough. Given enough time, they discover our weaknesses andlearn how to attack us in the ways that hurt the most. Eventually,we begin to agree with their criticism. We start to believe that wemust be terrible, awful, worthless people.

It’s impossible to maintain our self-esteemwhen we are constantly under attack. We’re only human. We’ll neverbe perfect. None of us can stand up to a barrage of criticism aboutall of our faults and weaknesses.

It’s important to learn the differencebetween constructive and abusive criticism. The differencegenerally lies with a person’s intentions. We need to askourselves, “Are they trying to help me grow as a person, or arethey just trying to cut me down?” We should always acceptconstructive criticism, and always reject the