Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life, Jason Goodwin [ink book reader .txt] 📗

Another way to recognize abusive criticism isif it’s very frequent. If you get hit with a barrage of criticismon a daily basis, there’s a good chance that your partner’scriticism is designed to abuse you. When criticism is directed atcharacteristics of your body, mind, or personality that you cannotchange, it is always abuse.

During wartime, a soldier tries to discoverand exploit his enemy’s weaknesses. In this way, abusiverelationships are like a war. Abusers try to attack and exploit ourvulnerabilities so they can break us down and control us.

Don’t believe you can win this war.Eventually, the only ones left on a battlefield are the dead andthe injured.

In the past, I stayed in abusiverelationships because I believed that my partners would change. Forsome reason, I kept making excuses for them.

I no longer accept abuse and I will neverstay in an abusive relationship again. Abuse and disrespect are notan accident. They are intentional. When we have tried to stand upto a partner who abuses or disrespects us and they refuse tochange, we need to end it. Our self-respect is too important.

Sometimes others fail to respect us until welearn to respect ourselves. There are times when we need to removeourselves from an unhealthy work environment. We may need to cutoff contact with an abusive family member or friend. Ultimately, wehave no control over the way others choose to act. We can onlystand our ground and enforce our boundaries.

Some of us are more likely to tolerate abuseor disrespect when we feel afraid of losing love, money, security,or stability. But how valuable are those things when we have to payfor them with our self-respect?

Some partners can never learn to besupportive. They will continue to criticize us, distancethemselves, be unreliable, or maintain multiple affections.

A partner who engages in unrelentingcriticism is clearly unsupportive. Instead of building us up ormaking us feel better about ourselves, they try to break us down inan attempt to manipulate or control us.

People who distance themselves often decreasethe amount of time they spend with us or fail to return phonecalls. They say things like, “I just need some space.” Partnerslike this often have issues with commitment. They may be incapableof giving us the love and support we need.

Supportive partners want to be close to us.Though it is healthy for each partner to maintain his/her owninterests and activities, intimacy is an important part of a strongrelationship.

People who fail to follow through on theircommitments are unsupportive. These people have a hard time takingresponsibility. It’s difficult to trust them, because you neverknow what they’re going to do. They lack consistency with the waythey act and the way they feel.

Finally, a person who maintains multipleaffections is afraid of commitment. Being put on a waiting list ofpotential suitors often feels demeaning and degrading. Competingfor a partner’s affections is not the kind of game most of us arewilling to play.

In summary, what are the characteristics of arespectful partner?

They genuinely care about others, even whenthey have nothing to gain. They are able to let go and considerother people’s needs.

They help to bolster our self-esteem. Theyare willing to compromise and learn. They genuinely care about ourwelfare, and are willing to change their negative behaviors. Wemust also be willing to change any behaviors that are hurtful ordisrespectful to them.

The best way to attract healthy partners isto become the person we want to meet. When we have personal flawsthat make it hard for us to be faithful, honest, or respectful inour relationships, we need to work on ourselves. As our behaviorimproves, we begin to demand better from others.

Chapter 29 –Healthy Relationships

“Love thy neighbor as thyself, but chooseyour neighborhood.”

-Louise Beal

We need to strive to create goodrelationships. Healthy relationships build us up, support us whenwe’re feeling down, and improve the quality of our lives. Unhealthyrelationships are a drain on our self-esteem, our finances, and canend up making our lives worse than if we had simply remainedalone.

Unfortunately, there are more unhealthyrelationships in this world than healthy ones. More people getdivorced than stay together. More families argue and disrespect oneanother than get along. More bosses are selfish and unsupportivethan helpful and generous. It’s important to try and surroundourselves with healthy people.

Sometimes we don’t have good relationshipswith members of our immediate family, so we need to find healthyrelationships with pastors or teachers. We need to find friends wecan trust.

No relationship is perfect, but somemarriages are stronger than others. Some friends are verytrustworthy. When we find most of what we are looking for in arelationship, we should consider ourselves truly blessed.

People who are willing to work on themselvesand change their negative behaviors can often make theirrelationships work. Some people are willing to examine theiractions, recognize their mistakes, and work to fix theproblems.

If we are unwilling to look realistically atour own faults and do the work necessary to improve our behavior,our relationships can quickly become one-sided. It is not enough toadmit that we have a problem. We have to be willing to make achange. We have to be willing to learn and grow.

People with the willingness to change may berare, but they do exist. Have you ever known someone who trulysupported and respected others? Someone who was open toconstructive criticism and willing to work on him/herself? Someoneyou really liked and admired?

Can we measure up to these standardsourselves? Are we respectful, trustworthy, loving, and supportive?If not, how can we work to overcome our shortcomings? What can wedo to cultivate these positive traits within ourselves?

Can we set healthy boundaries with our ownbehavior? Can we set healthy boundaries on the behavior of others?Can we love others, even when we have nothing to gain? Can wesupport others, even when it involves personal sacrifice?

Can we become men and women of integrity? Arewe engaged in addictions or behaviors that make us feel guilty orashamed? Do we lie, cheat, or steal to get what we want? Are wetruthful about our feelings, or do we keep secrets?

When we truly care about others and work tomeet their needs, we win friends, companions, and partners. Loveincreases love, and one act of kindness leads to another.

Even if