How to Talk to Anyone (Junior Talker #2), DeYtH Banger, Clive Cooper [i read book TXT] 📗

Collapsing Anchors for Approach Anxiety

 

 

 

 

After you do this powerful exercise, you will be freed of your approach anxiety.
You will replace approach anxiety with confidence and happiness.
In fact, whenever you encounter a situation that triggers your approach anxiety, you will
automatically feel confident and happy.
Your anxiety will trigger confidence and happiness.
Here are the steps:

1. Think of a moment when you felt approach anxiety. Think about this situation again.
Where are you? What do you see? What do you think? Where do you feel the
approach anxiety? Once you feel the approach anxiety emotion fully, rub your left ear.
This rubbing of your left ear is the anchor. (You can choose another anchor if you
want.)

2. Distract yourself for one minute. Look around. Look for the color blue. Find as much
blue as you can. When you are looking for blue, you are distracting your mind.

3. Do the same exercise from Step 1 again, and then distract yourself again (Step 2).
Repeat Steps 1 and 2 seven times.

4. Now, think of a time when you felt both happy and confident at the same time. Think
about this situation. Where are you? What do you see? What do you think? Where do
you feel the happiness and confidence?

5. Once you feel the happiness and confidence, maximize the feeling. Increase the
intensity of the happy/confident feeling.

6. Once your happy/confident feeling is at its peak, rub your right ear. This rubbing of
your right ear is the anchor. (You can choose another anchor if you want.)

7. Distract yourself for one minute. Look around. Look for the color blue. Find as much
blue as you can. When you are looking for blue, you are distracting your mind.

8. Repeat Steps 4, 5, 6, and 7 again for a total of seven times.

9. Take a two-minute break and distract yourself. Maybe you look for the color green
now.

10. Next, rub both your left ear and your right ear at the same time. That way, you’ll fire
off both anchors at the same time.

11. Distract yourself for one minute. Look around. Look for the color blue. Find as much
blue as you can.

12. Repeat Steps 10 and 11 seven times.

13. Next, think again about a situation that triggers your approach anxiety. Think about
this situation again. Where are you? What do you see? What do you think? Notice
how this situation DOES NOT trigger your approach anxiety.

Chapter 5.1 - Nasty Women

 How to handle the nasty women in your life

 

 

 

Ever had to deal with mean women at work? Here, we list the different types of nasty women and how to deal with them - one at a time.

 

 

 

 

Be it at the office, the gym or the school gate, we've all encountered women who live to make others miserable. Because sadly, that nastiness we thought we said goodbye to at our high school, follows us like a bad smell through our adult life.

Jordan Baker investigates the different types of mean women, and how to deal with them - one at a time.

 

 

 

When Sally took up *martial arts, she joined what she thought was a well-run gym owned by a friendly young couple, John and Vanessa.

She was welcomed into the fold; her fellow students were friendly, and Vanessa seemed keen to make her feel at home.

Sally loved her new training centre. She threw herself into the work and social activity, and after a while, a friendship with one of the instructors, James, became romantic.

Their flirtation blossomed into a courtship that would one day become an engagement.

But when they revealed their relationship to the others, things changed for Sally. She discovered that James' ex-girlfriend was friends with Vanessa.

From that point, Vanessa became not only frosty, but nasty. She encouraged the other students to avoid Sally. She no longer invited Sally to social activities, but made sure she knew she was excluded. She became highly critical of every aspect of Sally's training — her technique, her fitness, her commitment.

Sally's partner, James, didn't take Vanessa's behaviour seriously. For him it was petty girl stuff, and both of them needed to grow up.

Sally found the whole experience hurtful and confusing. She could understand James' ex-girlfriend might be upset about him meeting someone else, but why was Vanessa so intent on revenge? Why were the other women joining Vanessa's vendetta? And why couldn't James see what was going on?

Sally blamed herself. Maybe she had done something to offend? Perhaps there was something wrong with her?

"I would often cry before I went to training," she says. "I kept going because it was the best way I had found to cope with my grief. I thought I'd left that kind of behaviour behind in high school — turns out I was wrong."

 

Flashbacks to high school

Like Sally, many of us experienced that particularly female kind of warfare at high school, when hormones, insecurities and playground politics created a breeding ground for nastiness.

There was silent treatment, exclusion, backstabbing. There were girls who made nasty comments, or spread false rumours, or giggled about others, and who seemed intent on belittling, humiliating and undermining.

Unfortunately, some of those "mean girls" turn into mean women. They take their behaviour into adulthood and continue to inflict it upon other women in their friendship circle, their family or their workplace.

During her years as a psychologist, Meredith Fuller estimates she has seen thousands of women coming to see her about their struggle to cope with a campaign of subtle nastiness from the "bitch" (her terminology) in their life.

According to Meredith, bitchy behaviour is not as overt as bullying — it's too nebulous to pin down as deliberate sabotage.

 

A bully or a bitch?

 

"The difference between bullying and a bitch is you're talking about someone who is engaged in behaviours that are very subtle," says Meredith, the author of Working With Mean Girls, a women's guide to handling bitchy behaviour.

She defines it as sustained pattern of behaviour that amounts to an emotional campaign, but one that is so faint that most women think it's their problem — that they are too sensitive, or reading the behaviour wrongly, or inadvertently triggering the problem.

"It creates a bit of a time bomb," says Meredith. "You are still not sure if it's really happening, or if you're imagining it. As time goes on, you start to feel lower in confidence, your immune system is affected, and you are doing things that really compromise your career."

Of course, men are no angels, and can be both bullies and bitches. But often, says Meredith, conflict between men is overt — they argue at a meeting, then laugh about it over lunch.

Women can be more devious, perhaps because they were never encouraged to be assertive as girls and so learned different ways to meet their needs.

"Some [of these behaviours] are unconscious," says Meredith. "They don't realise what they are doing, and they probably don't want to hurt another person, they just have inadequate relationship skills and they haven't had a good interpersonal model — they are doing the best they know with a limited range of resources.

"But some women think it's funny. Some say they love to put the boot in, to see what other people are made of, and they see that as, 'If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen, get out'."

 

Women who experienced schoolyard nastiness can feel, in adulthood, like they are having a flashback.

"The healthy part of you is re-triggered for a good reason, it's like your body is saying watch out, this person is not safe," says Maureen. "If you have had that experience in early life, sometimes you can start to worry — 'Is it me, do I attract it?' You really start doing the self-blame. Then you feel ashamed.

"There are a lot of women who have idyllic childhoods, and they never noticed what went on. They haven't got any war wounds whatsoever, so when these odd sort of behaviours start happening, and they are more shocked."

Trying to engage a male partner on this issue can leave women feeling even more isolated, says Meredith, because many men struggle to understand how hurtful and confusing the experience can be.

"Their male partner says, 'I don't know what the problem is, just tell her to get lost', and the husband thinks he's solved your problem," she says. "

One woman I spoke to, who is very senior, said she would come home, and she would start crying in front of her husband and sons. They would think, 'what's the matter with you?'"

 

The different types of nasty

 

Not all 'bitchiness' is as nasty as Vanessa's campaign against Sally. It's the co-worker who deliberately embarrasses you in a meeting, the friend who puts you down in front of others, or the critical mother-in-law.

One teacher went to see Meredith about another, more senior teacher at school, who was constantly sniping at her choice of dress, saying it was inappropriate for a boys' school.

"She would continually scold me about what I was wearing, to the point where I would get nervous walking past her," she says.

"I could wear a neck-to-knee robe, and she would find something wrong with it. I began to worry about going to work, it completely undermined my confidence."

Another woman described a boss who treated her female staff like children. She did this loudly, and in front of lots of people.

When she was a few minutes late to a conference and slipped in at the back with a male colleague, her boss demanded — in front of the entire gathering — that she sit down the front, "where I can keep an eye on you". The male was not required to do the same thing.

Types of mean girls

From the cases Meredith studied, she developed rough categories of 'mean girls'.

 

The Excluder: She fails to acknowledge you, appears not to hear your hello, and might giggle or roll her eyes while you're talking.

 

The Insecure: She loves telling people what to do, and will tell you what you already know. She doubts other people's competence.

 

The Toxic: She is overly friendly at first, and attempts to engage your sympathy with tales of how horrible other women have been to her, but becomes needy and demanding.

 

The Narcissist: She needs to believe that she is the most popular or admired person in the office, but puts down others and gets irritable if things do not go her way.

 

The Screamer: She screams or yells, using intimidation to get the job done. She is perceived as being in a perpetual bad mood.

The Liar : She can be charming, but is unreliable and always finds excuses for her behaviour. She lacks empathy and puts her needs first.

 

The Incompetent: She is not up to whatever job she has, but goes to great lengths to hide it, including passing off other people's work or ideas as her own.

 

The Not-a-Bitch: She disagrees with you, reminds you to complete tasks you are required to do, reinforces office protocols and holds you accountable.

 

 

 

How to avoid nasty women

 

Meredith's tips for protecting ourselves from this behaviour include never engaging in gossip with them, keeping our distance and changing our expectations.

 

She also encourages women to take a long hard look at themselves and ask — 'is it possible I've got it wrong?'

Meredith also says, women need to ask themselves whether the problem may actually lie with them. Am I being stand-offish? A bit over-sensitive? Am I really doing my job as well as I can, or is there room for improvement? If a friend or co-worker is being touchy, they might have a good reason.

 

"We're all not perfect, and sometimes when we're stressed, we can revert to a ratty way of behaving," says Meredith. "Women are trying