How to Talk to Anyone (Junior Talker #2), DeYtH Banger, Clive Cooper [i read book TXT] 📗

here’s a handy metaphor to help us explain what we mean.

 

Climb The Mountain.

 

The sport of rock climbing is based very loosely on two basic principles: going up and falling down. You actually have to be good at both in order to be a successful climber. There are a few different ways to rock climb but the form we want to talk about is called “Lead Climbing”. This when the climber brings the rope up with them as they move upward. As the climber gets higher and higher up the wall they will clip in with anchors to protect themselves from falling very far and becoming very dead. Guess what? Much more often than not, they still fall.

Recovery can be the same. Instead of looking at falling as an inevitable loose rock or an unsteady foothold, it can actually be a chance to get your bearings and make real progress. Like a rock climber, Fortifiers need to use the tools at their disposal and gear up for the challenge ahead. If they do it right they have a much better chance of reaching the summit and taking fewer, shorter falls along the way.

 

Beware Of Binging

 

A lot of people will want to give up after they fall. They think, it’s too hard, I’m too tired, I can’t do this. The problem is if you give in and let yourself turn one bad day into a bad week, it can be the difference of falling 100 feet instead of just a momentary slip.

Avoid this by trying to find a healthy and positive outlook. This is a lot easier said than done but don’t beat yourself up. But also don’t just brush it off and ignore it. Humbly accept the fact that you made a mistake and decide what you are going to do about it in the future. As soon as you realize that you’ve messed up, choose immediately the next moment to recalibrate. That will set you back in the right direction and you will be able to continue your climb.

 

Stop And Look Around

 

Falling can be discouraging for any climber (or Fortifier). It is easy to feel defeated and tired. Instead of wallowing, you owe it to yourself to analyze the situation. You fell for a reason so look at what just happened and identify it. Maybe it was stress or a trigger or boredom. Did you let your guard down or stop doing one of your battle strategies? Whatever the case, once you identify the problem and mark it down in your Battle Tracker, you can find a way around it. Make a new plan and go from there. Just like a climber working out a new route after a fall, you can use a setback to map out your life and recover more effectively.

 

Ground Yourself

 

 

From using the Battle Tracker to exercising the STAR method, one of the most important parts of your recovery in The Fortify Program is almost always your relationship with your accountability partner. And guess what? This relationship actually relates back to rock climbing as well.

Rock climbing has someone called the “Belay”. This person stands on the ground and acts as a safety weight for the climber. If the climber falls, the belay is tied into the rope so that they will stop the climbers fall. Without a belay, rock climbing goes from fun outdoor recreation to ridiculously dangerous. Your accountability partner can be the same for you and more.

It can feel heart wrenching to go to your accountability partner after a setback but it can also be what keeps you from slipping further and free falling uncontrollably.

Learning how to deal with setbacks is one of the most important parts of any recovery because there is a really high chance you will experience lots of stumbles and slips along the way. An experienced Fortifier knows how to fall just as well as they know how to climb. By keeping a clear head, not giving in to despair, and keeping your help close, you can turn your setbacks into mountain top victories.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Dangerous Road of Rationalization

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We humans love to rationalize, and we do it constantly.

I’ll just have one more piece.

I should stop watching… but Netflix already started playing the next episode.

Or the timeless classic:

You only live once!

The problem is these are all just ways of coping. These are little lies we tell ourselves so we can justify doing things we know we shouldn’t. Rationalization can be a harmless walk by the fridge at midnight to get leftover cake before anyone else or it can be our way of cheating ourselves out of progression and reaching our goals.

But there is another side to this coin.

What about being rational? What about making well-informed, educated decisions based off of life experience and logic?

There is actually a big difference between making rational decisions and rationalizing. In the context of porn addiction, it is crucial that we stop rationalizing and start choosing real recovery.

As an addict, you probably often feel like two people: the driven Fortifier, dedicated to self-improvement and healing, or the self-gratifying narcissist only concerned with avoiding pain and catching the next high. It’s an old story, one that is very similar to the famous story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

We all have a Jekyll and a Hyde so to speak, the trick is knowing who is in charge and which one to listen to.

 

Recognizing the Beast

 

In the many retellings of the classic story, Mr. Hyde is a monstrous, hulking terror. Fortunately, you won’t grow ten feet or sprout claws every time you have an urge to act out. But it isn’t always easy to identify which internal voice is talking.

Our “Mr. Hyde” uses a lot of different tricks to try to convince us to give in and watch porn. These include minimizing, justifying, comparing, and other harmful mind tricks we play on ourselves. However persuasive we may be to our inner selves, these things only do one thing: keep us trapped in our addiction. In order to see through all of the tricks we need to be completely honest. Just because your addiction makes you feel like two people, doesn’t mean you can’t choose who to be.

 

Reading Warning Signs

 

There may be times when a tough situation sneaks up on you. You’re innocently browsing social media and an account you follow has reposted something that triggers you. Or there is a billboard at the mall that really distracts you. Surviving these times calls for the STAR Method. You need to take a step back and think about what you really want.

The problem with rationalizing is that it usually starts a while before the actual act of using. A lot of Fortifiers have goals and rules about when and where they use their electronic devices. For example, most do not bring computers, laptops or tablets into their bedrooms. But this situation can be easily rationalized and put you in danger. Example:

My family is being so loud out in the kitchen and I need some quiet to study. I’m going to take my laptop into my bedroom or I’ll never get anything done.

This rationalization has nothing to do with porn and in a lot of ways feels totally innocent. But we need to be brutally honest with ourselves if we hope to gain real ground in our recovery.

 

Turning Weakness to Strength

 

If we look at that same situation again we can see how a rational response sets us on a safe path and empowers us to success. Instead of rationalizing one might say:

I’m having a hard time studying right now but I shouldn’t take my laptop into my bedroom. I’ve had plenty of setbacks in the past that way and it’s not worth the risk. If I’m being honest, just thinking about having privacy and access to a computer is already making me think about porn. I’ll figure something else out so I can study. Besides, I set the goal to not use devices in my bedroom and I want to stick to that.

Responding with clarity and direction in times where we could have easily taken the path of least resistance will strengthen you in so many ways. Every time we learn to inch toward our goals, we will find strength, vision and meaningful reward.

C.S. Lewis said:

Every time you make a choice, you are turning the core, central part of you into something a little different from what it was before. All of our lives, across many choices, we are slowly turning this central thing into one kind of person or another.

 

 

 

 

 

Urges

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s talk about urges.

I mean, that’s where everything starts, right? You can be going throughout your day with no issues but the instant that pesky urge hits, that’s when the real battle begins.

 

Urge
/erj/
noun

1. a strong impulse or desire.
synonyms: need, compulsion, longing, yearning, hankering, craving, hunger, thirst

 

 

Now, if you think about it, you’re not necessarily fighting against porn, you’re fighting against the urge to watch it. If you can learn to more skillfully work with your urges to look at porn, you will have a handle on your whole recovery. It’s all a matter of recognizing your urges and then doing what it takes to outlast them without having a setback.

One of the most important things to remember when overcoming your urges is that they WILL go away.

Most people generally believe that an urge will increase in intensity until you give into it. Isn’t that how we usually think? That an urge is this infinite thing that will keep going upward and upward as time goes on and won’t stop until we indulge the urge?

Wrong.

In reality, an urge is less like a forever rising spaceship and more like a wave in the ocean; it swells to a peak and then subsides. In other words, urges and cravings – no matter how strong – will eventually go away if you just wait them out.

This is always the case.

Not just sometimes – always.

That being said, it won’t always be easy. Some urges will be stronger than others and will feel like they will never go away. But trust us, if you face the urge head on, they will always pass.

Some people call this “urge surfing”.

Surf’s up, bro!

And just like a big wave surfer, it takes strength and courage to stand and face an urge.

So instead of trying to run from an urge or worse, give in to it, do this: stay present, step back, and watch it. Instead of trying to replace the urge, stand up to it and let it pass. Stay conscious and recognize the emotions you’re feeling. Notice the urge grow to its full strength and just watch it.

Like a hunter in the forest or a scientist observing an experiment, patiently wait for the urge to dissipate and fade away. It’ll be hard for a minute, but like a wave, it’ll break, wash onto the shore, and then recess back into the ocean where it came from.

It may take a while to master this technique, but we promise, once you do, you’ll be a world champion “urge surfer”.

Party on, dude.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 5 - Goes like

How To Be A Girl Bully